Progress

In January I started on a new adventure. The adventure of taking back my health. I started by changing my eating habits and saw some success. In February, I added walking to the mix. March wasn't great. My habits became a bit lax as I faced some stress, but I kept walking and didn't fully return to my bad eating. April. Oh, April. It has been hard. I don't mean the health stuff. I mean life. So. Very. Hard. March and April tried to beat me down And it was so hard. My sleep and sanity took a big hit. But here I am with April not yet over and I'm back to a better place. Still hard, but at least manageable. I have picked back up my eating habits, going from okay to healthy. I started walking more. I began journaling which I haven't done in a LONG time. Yesterday, I joined a gym so that I can start strength training.

What I have realized over the last week or so is how much I used food to numb my feelings. As I've had to face stress and big feelings, I felt so anxious because I'm not used to having to feel them all. I hid my hurt, fear, vulnerability in food. Some people drink or shop or have co-dependent relationships. I used food. I'm having to learn new coping techniques. But I'm also realizing how so many of those fears/feelings are unjustified. They seem like big scary monsters hiding under the bed until you turn on the light and realize it's just a dust bunny. Mental health is as important as physical health, so I'm addressing them together.

Yes, I'm generally a happy, optimistic person. I can only explain that my joy comes from God. I'm also a person that deals with anxiety. I don't like it, but it's the truth. I'm not going to pretend that everything is rainbows and sunshine. I think that does a disservice to everyone. We should be honest about life, not painting glossy pictures. We all have hard stuff we face. But I'm thankful I have a support system of wonderful people, a therapist, and a God that carries when whether I'm in a time of joy or anxiety. I am determined to keep moving forward to being a healthier person- mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

It Was Me All Along

I'm back with another book review! I read this entire book yesterday. This is Andie Mitchell's memoir about being overweight and how she conquered her food addiction. Andie, like so many others, used food as a comfort and coping mechanism. After an eye-opening moment, she started the process of changing her life. However, it took her swinging the other way in her relationship with food before she realized the emotional/mental connection. She worked so hard to find balance. To not see food as good or bad, but as nourishment and enjoyment.

While my story is not the same as Andie's, there are similar threads. There were several points in the book where I thought, yes, absolutely yes. Her words were adequate and real as she tried to explain what it's like to be overweight, to be coping with food, to have a love/hate relationship with it, and the work it takes to overcome it.

Over the past few months, I have addressed my weight. Not in a hateful way, but in a way that is trying to find healing and a healthy balance. It is a process, you guys. A vulnerable process. I've made progress and found some success, but I'm still working on it and I'm trying to get my brain and emotions to follow the physical. March was a hard month for me emotionally. I felt battered and bruised due to some circumstances. My self-worth felt flimsy and I struggled against the lie of that. But here's where I feel victorious: I maintained my weight loss. I didn't gain. I weathered the storm and came out on the other side learning about myself. And yesterday I read Andie's book. I felt like someone understood and I felt like someone else had successfully won the battle. Not the battle of weight, but the war inside our own heads/hearts that leads to the weight.

If you're also battling your head/heart, whether you're overweight or trying desperately to hold onto skinny, I think this book is relative. Both are an issue inside our heads and both need to find a healthy relationship with food. If you're in a vulnerable place where any power of suggestion will cause you to overeat, then this might not be the book for you right now. She talks and describes food a lot (so much that I was getting tired of reading about it), so I can see how it could cause some people to binge. However, if you're not vulnerable to the power of suggestion, then I think this book will be helpful. Because as she travels Italy and finds a healthy enjoyment of food, the meals are encouraging and what I inspire to find. On one of my first visits with my wellness coach, we talked about goals. I told her I didn't want to fight with food anymore. I didn't want to feel like it was good or bad, but I wanted to have it be something I enjoyed. I love having meals with friends, I love sharing the company and conversation, I enjoy foods that make my palate happy. That's the part of my brain I want to be in charge. The part that seeks nourishment and connection. It's the numbing and guilt that I want to turn off. As I read Andie's dining experiences in Italy, I saw the relationship that I'm hoping to find. A joyful, full life being lived in balance.

There you have it. A bit of a book review and a bit of my story. While I might later on wonder if I should have posted this, I think it's good that I do. Why should any of us feel ashamed for taking steps toward a healthier life? Whether it's physically, mentally, or emotionally, we all deserve to live in truth and freedom. And for those of us working to get there, there doesn't need to be any shame about the past. We do what we need to do to survive. We cope how we can until we learn new ways. What matters is that we're searching for something better. We aren't allowing lies or guilt or shame or pain to hold us back. That's impressive. And brave. Celebrate that. You are strong.

Longbourn

My book club read Longbourn by Jo Baker for March. I finished the book today. Basically, I failed at book club last month. However, I finished it and that's what counts. Let's talk about it.

Longbourn is a novel about the servants for the Bennets, as in Elizabeth Bennet. While Jane and Lizzy are in the midst of their own stories, there are lives being lived downstairs. Sarah, a housemaid, is the central character we follow.

I had mixed feelings about this book. I was intrigued by the concept. At first I misunderstood the premise and thought it was essentially Pride & Prejudice from the servants' views. It's not. Rather, it just occurs during that time in the Bennets' lives. There were times I was interested and even enjoying the story, anticipating what was going to happen. However, it took me a really long time to get into the book. It dragged for a while. Even when I was in the midst of enjoying it, the book would seem to get stuck and go nowhere. I think it had a solid idea behind it (and probably would have worked better as a stand alone story not involving P&P), but the writing ended up holding it back for me. I'm a detail-oriented person. Hello, I'm an ICU nurse. I love details. In this book (and plenty of other books), the details can be so heavy or complicated or misplaced that it ends up weighing a book down. I think what happens is that authors have such clear views in their heads that they want/need you to see it with them. At least, that's how I felt when writing in high school and college. Because I do like details and my imagination is strong, so I wanted to paint the most vivid picture so the reader truly understood how they should picture it. When I go back and read stories from my Creative Writing class in college, I see that in my work. And I now see how much is lost by doing that. Yes, when we read we are entering worlds created by the author, but the beautiful thing about reading is that it stretches our imaginations. Maybe the author creates some framework, but we get to fine tune that in our minds. Sometimes those details are important to a scene or setting up the characters, but the authors that do it well seem to mix it in so seamlessly that the meat of the story isn't lost. Also, reading should make us think and not just tell us what to mindlessly follow. If I, as a writer, give you every detail and tell you what to think, I'm not leaving room for your imagination or critical thinking.

So with that I'll say, check this book out and see what YOU think. The first link will take you to Amazon and the second link will take you to Amazon's sample of the writing. My book club had mixed reviews. Some liked it, some did not. Maybe this will be a winner for you. What was the line from Reading Rainbow? "You don't have to take my word for it." (Also, I LOVED Reading Rainbow when I was little.)

Happy Reading!

Know When to Fold 'Em

What's that Kenny Rogers song? Know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em. I sure hope I'm using the lyric correctly in my title. I know zero about cards, but I think folding means giving up...or surrendering...or dropping out...or ending the game. Whatever. This post is about when you just can't love a book.

 

 Drew, I'm sorry. 

Drew Barrymore has had quite the life. Child star, bumpy road, happy adult woman making her way, loving mother. She's delightful to watch when she visits Jimmy Fallon. When she was on his show talking about her book I went online to my library and reserved it. It took forever for my turn to come up. I was 132 on the list. Anyway, I'm sorry to tell you that I couldn't finish it. I just couldn't get into it. Each chapter is a short story from her life, so you can pick it up and put it down without having to worry about remembering details from a previous chapter. I tried. I tried to like it. I kept it past the due date wanting to give it a shot. Finally, I realized I just wasn't loving it enough to keep going. I have a bazillion books to read and I'm super behind on my reading challenge. So I gave it up. I think it reads as if Drew were telling you the stories in your living room. If you love Drew, this might appeal to you.

Let's talk about a book I love: Red Queen by Victoria Aveyard. Stalena suggested it, I read it, I loved it. The sequel comes out next month. [Insert excited face here.] Please note that if you go searching for this book series, the description of the sequel gives spoilers. So if you haven't read Red Queen yet, don't look at anything but that book. Trust me. I'm trying to help you.

Okay, back to the book at hand. Steel Scars. It's a novella companion (again, read it after Red Queen). I had a bit of a hard time with it. There was military jargon and decoded messages that broke up the text, so it was hard for me to get into it. But halfway through the story began to actually unfold. Until that point (and each time there was a decoded message) I skimmed it. Once the story read like a story, I got into it. And then it was over. Since I skimmed I'm not going to include it on my reading challenge. I'm also telling you not to read this once you finish Red Queen. I'm just warning you that it's a bit different from Red Queen and Queen Song (another novella that's the prequel to Red Queen). I'm still super excited about Glass Sword!!! (Link to Glass Sword not included for your protection You DO NOT want Red Queen spoiled.)

P.S. Do you see how many times I linked Red Queen? Read the book for goodness sakes!

I Am Malala

More often than not, I read fiction. I like to read to get lost in a good story. There are so many good books out there that I'm a firm believer in not reading books you are absolutely struggling to get through. If you choose a book that just doesn't draw you in (unless it's necessary for school/work), move on after giving it a valiant effort. Nonfiction reads are generally slower moving for me. However, that doesn't mean that they can't be enjoyable. I Am Malala is one of those books.

Okay, maybe enjoyable isn't the right word for this book. Since it is her biography and I knew the outcome, I was reading wondering when she was going to be shot. I wonder if the uncertainty I felt about her future is even a fraction of how her and her family felt.

Here's what struck me most about Malala: how self-aware and selfless she was at such a young age. Yes, she had some common girlhood experiences, but she also had a childhood full of turmoil and uncertainty. I'm really glad my book club chose this book. It gave me new insight into those being displaced and it opened my understanding a bit more about Malala's life and culture.

Let's talk about logistics for a second. There are a couple versions of this book. One is the Young Readers Edition and the other is for adults. I use the Overdrive app to access my library's ebooks. I didn't know the difference and requested both covers. I ended up receiving the Young Readers first and was halfway through before I realized there was a difference. Since I had a deadline for the club, I went online to figure out if I needed to jump ship and start over with the adult version. What I found was an explanation that the Young Readers was written more from Malala's perspective. Because of that there was a gap in her timeline surrounding the shooting. The adult version talks more about the medical and political decisions surrounding her care. Since I was interested in Malala's story and not necessarily in the politics of it, I kept on with the Young Readers Edition. It might read a bit easier than the adult copy and it might have a bit less gruesome details. (Though Malala does talk about the killings in her hometown at the hands of the Taliban.)

I would encourage you to read this. Read this if you want a true understanding of what's happening in the world. Read this if you don't want to know and want to go on being a racist jerk because you need it more than anyone. Read it if you want to feel inspired to help people. Fictional books are fun and I love them, but sometimes we need to learn and grow. Reading about the experiences of others helps to do that.

Road to California

You might know that I'm a quilter. I'm not sure what that conjures up in your mind. Maybe your granny's quilts or traditional quilt patterns? Perhaps you've seen a bit of the modern quilt movement. Whatever that means in your head, let me tell you what that means for me. I started quilting about 4 years ago. My intent at the time was to make a quilt for Sesha's and Nick's wedding. I had no idea that it would become a hobby that I loved so much. For me, I feel like such a baby quilter. I'm decent at what I do, but there's so much out there that I don't know. A couple years ago, I went to my first quilt show. I didn't know what to expect, but I was blown away. Holy moly, you guys. Yes, there were traditional patterns and quilts shown. But there were also quilts that went to an artistic level I didn't know was possible. Last weekend I went to my second Road to California quilt show. Let's take a look at some of my favorites:

 

This quilt won Best in Show (and $10,000). This is not a photo or actual pillows. Rather, the quilter took fabric and made it 3D. She pieced fabric to create each pillow. I mean, look at this! Her quilt looks like a shelf of pillows and quilts. It took her 5 months to make. I wish, wish, wish I had wrote down the names of the quilters. I could work on something like this for 5 years and it would not look nearly as good. 

 

 It absolutely kills me. My brain has exploded outside of my head trying to understand this quilt.

This was another beautiful quilt that I really liked. It looks like a painting. But let's take a closer look...

 Can you see this? Those leaves were little cut pieces of fabric! And she used stitching to make the tree trunks and sidewalk more realistic. 

Dead. I'm dead. 

Now, it's not all serious quilts at the show. Quilters have a pretty good sense of humor. (I mean, we are a creative bunch. Have you ever been to a quilting group/class? It's a ton of fun!)

Exhibit A: Conan O'Brien quilt

Yup. The modern quilt movement has a really fun vibe to it. Quilting isn't just for grannies anymore.

Finally, let's look at one more that blew my mind.

 This is the same quilt!!! It has a different painting depending on where you're standing! Oh, and that frame is fabric too. It's fabric. Not a frame, but fabric quilted and painted to look like a frame. 

I'm overwhelmed by the creativity. 

It takes me SO LONG to make a lap quilt. And a fair bit of money too. My quilts are nothing like these. I can't imagine the planning, the prep, the time spent working on them, the money paid to make them. This is why quilt shows are amazing. Yes, you can buy fabric and supplies, but they're also inspiring.

Also, here is my confession. I am a fabric addict. I relate to this fabric cutout on a deeply personal level.

 

Happy Quilting!

The Last Bookstore, Los Angeles

Over the past year or so, I've seen photos of this bookstore on social media. When I knew I would be in the area, I put it on my list to check out. I didn't end up going last summer when I was in LA because the traffic, the heat, the excuses...but I didn't want to let the opportunity pass me by this time. While LA traffic is never my favorite, I'm glad I went. This place was fun to see in person and I was able to cross it off my list.

I don't want to miss opportunities and experiences. You never know when you'll have another chance. Part of that is why I've really tried to step out of my comfort zone in the last couple years. It's also one of the reasons I'm focused on taking charge of my health. But that's a post for another time.

If you're in the Los Angeles area, pop by this bookstore. Yes, you'll have traffic and you'll pay for parking. And you'll smell some unpleasant smells (don't walk through the puddles). You'll also find a bit of whimsy and maybe a new book to take your imagination new places.