Progress

In January I started on a new adventure. The adventure of taking back my health. I started by changing my eating habits and saw some success. In February, I added walking to the mix. March wasn't great. My habits became a bit lax as I faced some stress, but I kept walking and didn't fully return to my bad eating. April. Oh, April. It has been hard. I don't mean the health stuff. I mean life. So. Very. Hard. March and April tried to beat me down And it was so hard. My sleep and sanity took a big hit. But here I am with April not yet over and I'm back to a better place. Still hard, but at least manageable. I have picked back up my eating habits, going from okay to healthy. I started walking more. I began journaling which I haven't done in a LONG time. Yesterday, I joined a gym so that I can start strength training.

What I have realized over the last week or so is how much I used food to numb my feelings. As I've had to face stress and big feelings, I felt so anxious because I'm not used to having to feel them all. I hid my hurt, fear, vulnerability in food. Some people drink or shop or have co-dependent relationships. I used food. I'm having to learn new coping techniques. But I'm also realizing how so many of those fears/feelings are unjustified. They seem like big scary monsters hiding under the bed until you turn on the light and realize it's just a dust bunny. Mental health is as important as physical health, so I'm addressing them together.

Yes, I'm generally a happy, optimistic person. I can only explain that my joy comes from God. I'm also a person that deals with anxiety. I don't like it, but it's the truth. I'm not going to pretend that everything is rainbows and sunshine. I think that does a disservice to everyone. We should be honest about life, not painting glossy pictures. We all have hard stuff we face. But I'm thankful I have a support system of wonderful people, a therapist, and a God that carries when whether I'm in a time of joy or anxiety. I am determined to keep moving forward to being a healthier person- mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

It Was Me All Along

I'm back with another book review! I read this entire book yesterday. This is Andie Mitchell's memoir about being overweight and how she conquered her food addiction. Andie, like so many others, used food as a comfort and coping mechanism. After an eye-opening moment, she started the process of changing her life. However, it took her swinging the other way in her relationship with food before she realized the emotional/mental connection. She worked so hard to find balance. To not see food as good or bad, but as nourishment and enjoyment.

While my story is not the same as Andie's, there are similar threads. There were several points in the book where I thought, yes, absolutely yes. Her words were adequate and real as she tried to explain what it's like to be overweight, to be coping with food, to have a love/hate relationship with it, and the work it takes to overcome it.

Over the past few months, I have addressed my weight. Not in a hateful way, but in a way that is trying to find healing and a healthy balance. It is a process, you guys. A vulnerable process. I've made progress and found some success, but I'm still working on it and I'm trying to get my brain and emotions to follow the physical. March was a hard month for me emotionally. I felt battered and bruised due to some circumstances. My self-worth felt flimsy and I struggled against the lie of that. But here's where I feel victorious: I maintained my weight loss. I didn't gain. I weathered the storm and came out on the other side learning about myself. And yesterday I read Andie's book. I felt like someone understood and I felt like someone else had successfully won the battle. Not the battle of weight, but the war inside our own heads/hearts that leads to the weight.

If you're also battling your head/heart, whether you're overweight or trying desperately to hold onto skinny, I think this book is relative. Both are an issue inside our heads and both need to find a healthy relationship with food. If you're in a vulnerable place where any power of suggestion will cause you to overeat, then this might not be the book for you right now. She talks and describes food a lot (so much that I was getting tired of reading about it), so I can see how it could cause some people to binge. However, if you're not vulnerable to the power of suggestion, then I think this book will be helpful. Because as she travels Italy and finds a healthy enjoyment of food, the meals are encouraging and what I inspire to find. On one of my first visits with my wellness coach, we talked about goals. I told her I didn't want to fight with food anymore. I didn't want to feel like it was good or bad, but I wanted to have it be something I enjoyed. I love having meals with friends, I love sharing the company and conversation, I enjoy foods that make my palate happy. That's the part of my brain I want to be in charge. The part that seeks nourishment and connection. It's the numbing and guilt that I want to turn off. As I read Andie's dining experiences in Italy, I saw the relationship that I'm hoping to find. A joyful, full life being lived in balance.

There you have it. A bit of a book review and a bit of my story. While I might later on wonder if I should have posted this, I think it's good that I do. Why should any of us feel ashamed for taking steps toward a healthier life? Whether it's physically, mentally, or emotionally, we all deserve to live in truth and freedom. And for those of us working to get there, there doesn't need to be any shame about the past. We do what we need to do to survive. We cope how we can until we learn new ways. What matters is that we're searching for something better. We aren't allowing lies or guilt or shame or pain to hold us back. That's impressive. And brave. Celebrate that. You are strong.

Longbourn

My book club read Longbourn by Jo Baker for March. I finished the book today. Basically, I failed at book club last month. However, I finished it and that's what counts. Let's talk about it.

Longbourn is a novel about the servants for the Bennets, as in Elizabeth Bennet. While Jane and Lizzy are in the midst of their own stories, there are lives being lived downstairs. Sarah, a housemaid, is the central character we follow.

I had mixed feelings about this book. I was intrigued by the concept. At first I misunderstood the premise and thought it was essentially Pride & Prejudice from the servants' views. It's not. Rather, it just occurs during that time in the Bennets' lives. There were times I was interested and even enjoying the story, anticipating what was going to happen. However, it took me a really long time to get into the book. It dragged for a while. Even when I was in the midst of enjoying it, the book would seem to get stuck and go nowhere. I think it had a solid idea behind it (and probably would have worked better as a stand alone story not involving P&P), but the writing ended up holding it back for me. I'm a detail-oriented person. Hello, I'm an ICU nurse. I love details. In this book (and plenty of other books), the details can be so heavy or complicated or misplaced that it ends up weighing a book down. I think what happens is that authors have such clear views in their heads that they want/need you to see it with them. At least, that's how I felt when writing in high school and college. Because I do like details and my imagination is strong, so I wanted to paint the most vivid picture so the reader truly understood how they should picture it. When I go back and read stories from my Creative Writing class in college, I see that in my work. And I now see how much is lost by doing that. Yes, when we read we are entering worlds created by the author, but the beautiful thing about reading is that it stretches our imaginations. Maybe the author creates some framework, but we get to fine tune that in our minds. Sometimes those details are important to a scene or setting up the characters, but the authors that do it well seem to mix it in so seamlessly that the meat of the story isn't lost. Also, reading should make us think and not just tell us what to mindlessly follow. If I, as a writer, give you every detail and tell you what to think, I'm not leaving room for your imagination or critical thinking.

So with that I'll say, check this book out and see what YOU think. The first link will take you to Amazon and the second link will take you to Amazon's sample of the writing. My book club had mixed reviews. Some liked it, some did not. Maybe this will be a winner for you. What was the line from Reading Rainbow? "You don't have to take my word for it." (Also, I LOVED Reading Rainbow when I was little.)

Happy Reading!